True but thats because hes a fetus.
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
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