don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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