im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
