You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Randomize
