we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
