I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
I'm having to shit out rocks
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