I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
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