I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
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