I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
Randomize
