I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
We were just talking bout putting on helmets and going fo a car ride just to see how ppl react. I will def fit in here haha
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
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