Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
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