i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
Id pretty much put it in anything at this point. Jello. Dogs. 12 year old boys
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
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