literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
Randomize
