you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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