my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
i just hate vaginas for liking penis's insside them
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
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It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
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Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song