one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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