im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
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