He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
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