I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize
