You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
