I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
is it acceptable to cross the border for sex?
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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