just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
Randomize
