the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Randomize
