my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
