I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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