The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
I just cut my nipple shaving
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
I don't believe these are real court rooms. They look absolutely nothing like law and order.
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
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