ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
