So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
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