dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
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