so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
Don't tell me wow. Tell me this is normal for college and in no way am I a whore.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
