I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
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a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
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I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
But what if there are 6 people and they end up just pairing the off into 3 couples. Is it still an orgy?
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
That 2-CB was ass.
You mean the asprin cut with pez?
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