They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
Randomize
