This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
We don't watch enough power rangers
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
Randomize
