the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Randomize
