You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
With such a small dick you'd think he'd try to make up for it with some sort of personality.
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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