just to let you know I saw you texting some Kim chick, and facebook saying she's ugly... good job you're gay now
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
Randomize
