New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Randomize