I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
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