I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Randomize
