he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
Randomize
