You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
just throwing this out there: period starts tomorrow sooo either sex tonight or not until tues/weds.
i get a bj anyways so it's really your choice.
k i'll be over in 5.
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
