Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
