I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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