I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
The reality is I'm 24 and I have terminal breast cancer. Fuck yeah I'm going have sex with every hot guy I can. What, am I gonna worry about getting an STD or pregnant at this point? If I'm gonna die, I want to have any many big dicks as I can while I'm still able.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
Randomize
