And my dad told him he was a great looking guy. and then added "no homo" after.
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Randomize
