she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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