i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
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