How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
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