It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Randomize