Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
