U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
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