I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
watching spice world high feels so wrong yet so right
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
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