I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
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