actually, I'm a sock model
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
Randomize
