Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
Randomize
