Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
Randomize
