Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
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