My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
Maybe he injected his testicle?
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
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